I (Don't) Feel Connected

disconnect 002/237: How a soda made me play pinball and what I learned from it. 

[4 August 2024]

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Have you ever done something just because someone told you to, without questioning it, even though you didn’t understand why you should do it?
I did recently. However, it wasn't because someone else told me what to do - it was a soda that did. Today, I’d like to tell you about my experience of playing pinball at Berlin’s only pinball arcade, not too long ago on a rainy Saturday night.

After experiencing some Berlin fatigue before leaving for Toronto earlier this year, I decided that now that I’m back, I will do one activity by myself each week with the intention of discovering new places, interacting with strangers, and stepping out of my comfort zone.

Talking to people, especially strangers or people I barely know, is quite challenging for me as an autistic person. One challenge is that I don’t have a strong interest in social interaction with most people. Sometimes, I even daydream about being alone on Earth, with no other people to distract or disturb me.

But, this lack of interest in social interactions is not the entire story. So, back to my Saturday night out at the pinball arcade:

After traveling to the outskirts of Berlin, I found myself in an industrial area near the border between Berlin and Brandenburg. A simple printed sign directed me to the pinball arcade, located on the second floor of a pretty unremarkable building.

Inside, the epitome of overstimulation was waiting for me: over 50 pinball machines were competing with each other to see which one made the best sound and light effects. A crowd of mostly middle-aged men were engrossed in attempting to beat high scores on arcade games featuring popular themes from the 80s, 90s, and 2000s. Metallica, Star Trek, Terminator, Spider-Man, Jurassic Park, Harlem Globetrotters, Adam’s Family - you name it, they got it (there were some other odd machines too, such as a rather old-school German hunting-themed one).

After adjusting to the initially overwhelming environment full of flashing lights and never-ending sound effects, I immersed myself in the world of pinball. I wanted to try as many machines as possible, so I played three rounds on each machine before moving on to the next one. Even though I struggled with keeping up with all the rules and instructions for each machine in order to earn bonus points and extra balls while also trying to keep the ball alive, I truly enjoyed the experience and was impressed by the level of detail in each machine.

However, I didn’t manage to fulfill one of my intentions for going out alone - I didn’t talk to anyone the entire time I spent at the arcade. I was disappointed and even a bit mad at myself for a while because of my inability to step out of my comfort zone. How difficult can it be to just talk to someone?

In many situations throughout my life, including this particular Saturday night at the arcade, I have felt completely disconnected from the people around me. It’s like being a video game character surrounded by a bunch of non-interactable NPCs.

Even though I feel different from other people, I am aware that I am not THAT different. Deep down, there is a desire to connect with others, which I believe is a universal human desire. Most of the time, this desire is buried in me by frequently being overstimulated (and for most of my life not even being aware of this and perceiving feeling like this as normal), leading to a constant craving for alone time to recover and recharge. This often makes me think I don’t want to spend time and connect with people at all, but I figured out that isn’t true.

After playing several machines and observing the people around me, I had an epiphany: Maybe most people at the pinball hall were just like me!? Going to a place that transports them to another world, where they are surrounded by people but don’t have to interact with them, and can fully enjoy immersing themselves in an activity on their own.

All of a sudden, I did feel connected, forgot about my quest to talk to other people, and enjoyed playing pinball even more for a while, all by myself, in my world, surrounded by people who were doing the same, until my nervous system couldn’t keep up with all the sound effects and flashing lights anymore and I decided it was time to head back home.

Sometimes, it’s not essential to talk, or even to interact in any other way with other people to feel connected.

Oh, and in case you were wondering why I even went to the arcade to play pinball, and what a soda had to do with all of this: One of my favorite soda brands, Jones Soda, prints little phrases on the inside of their bottle caps.

After not drinking any soft drinks for several weeks during my time in Toronto, I treated myself to an Orange Mango Jones Soda on my last weekend before flying back to Germany. And, what did the bottle cap say? Play pinball.

Since introducing randomness into my life is arguably my favorite way to find new inspiration, I decided to accept this side quest and find a place where I can play pinball once I am back in Germany.

And, by the way: the first Jones Soda I bought after arriving in Toronto back in April said give freely, which got stuck in my head ever since opening the bottle and reading the inside of the cap. With this in mind, today I’d like to share another snippet of a song I recently finished as part of my ongoing work for my upcoming project 40 Nights in Toronto.

You can listen to a minute-long snippet of I (DON’T) FEEL CONNECTED right here:

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Enjoy your day or night!

glg Soda Paapi

PS: If you have any feedback about my music and/or this newsletter, I’d be curious to hear it!