I felt that it was time to leave behind what no longer serves me.
disconnect 009/237
[10 November 2024]
-----------------------
Over the past week, I felt increasingly anxious about my employment situation. I have fallen in love with creating art every day without any restrictions for the past year, but now it has become time for me to find a job so I can financially sustain myself.
The uncertainty of not knowing what would happen next felt like I was constantly carrying a tray stacked high with plates. Moving at a normal pace was impossible because everything could collapse at any moment, and even moving slowly was difficult.
So, I decided to hop on the subway one night and get off at Ku’damm for a walk, with no specific destination in mind. All I wanted was to soak in the nighttime downtown atmosphere, observe anything that crossed my path, and clear my mind of the overwhelming thoughts and feelings I had been experiencing.
After strolling around for a few minutes, I found myself in an almost empty square, surrounded by tall, shiny office buildings. I sat down, enjoyed the tranquility, and looked at the few windows in the buildings that were still illuminated. In one of the windows, I saw a man sitting at his desk in front of his computer, moving his arms occasionally in a way that made me assume he was working on a stressful task.
A few minutes after I began observing him and reflecting on how he might feel as one of the last people still working in the building, he stood up and left the office. He probably felt relieved to finally start his feierabend. Watching him leave reassured me about the decision I made earlier that day regarding my employment situation.
When I decided not to stay in Canada long-term and instead return to Berlin this summer, a key part of my plan was to avoid taking an office job. I didn't want to work in an environment where people are focused on climbing the career ladder, as it would distract me from my goal of pursuing a career as a professional artist.
After spending all of my savings, I recently felt I had to apply for office jobs again for financial reasons, rather than searching for a job in an environment that brings me joy and doesn’t feel like work to me, like a restaurant, even if it pays less.
While financial stability is important, I’ve come to the conclusion that returning to a well-paid office job - which takes away my mental energy from creating art - doesn’t feel right. I named my last album Out Of Office for a reason, and I truly want to avoid doing something simply for the money. Imagining how happy the man must have felt when he left the office reminded me that I should trust myself when deciding not to return to an office job and knowing when it’s time to move on.
After the office worker left and my doubts about accepting financial instability began to fade, I stood up from the bench I had been sitting on. As I walked past the office building where the man was working, I realized it was building number 23. At that moment, any remaining doubts vanished.
I don’t remember exactly when it started, but it was probably around five years ago when I first noticed the number 23 appearing in situations where I had doubts, needed reassurance, or had to make a decision. Since then, there have been numerous occasions when it has confirmed my thoughts, and it has become my lucky number (for example, the building where I had my last studio also had the number 23).
Feeling relieved and certain about what had been causing my stress over the past days, I continued walking past the office buildings. After taking a few turns, I found myself in front of a bright, colorful store that sold candies and drinks from around the world. As I looked at the fridges filled with exotic soft drinks, it reminded me of what almost felt like a previous life I had lived.
Nowadays, most Berlin spätis have a variety of imported soft drinks in their fridges, and I found myself in front of a store that exclusively offered products that took me a remarkable amount of time, luck, and international shipping costs trying to acquire years ago. Given the popularity and demand for exotic drinks and snacks, the original sodapaapi would have fit perfectly into this zeitgeist.
If I had the same mindset about pursuing my artistic career back then, six or seven years ago, where could I be now?
While sipping on an ice-cold 7 Up Tropical, I enjoyed imagining this ‘what if’ scenario where I hadn’t given up rapping and continued with the original sodapaapi persona I had created. However, I am very happy with how things turned out instead.
I recently came across a piece of advice from author Tao Lin that perfectly captures why I am happy to leave not only sodapaapi and drinking multiple soft drinks per day but also the idea of returning to a corporate job behind:
‘Don’t romanticize destructive behavior. Doing this will lead you to engage in more destructive behavior while also attracting destructive readers who will also help keep you stagnant in self-destruction.’
After finishing the 7 Up Tropical, I continued my walk aimlessly and found myself back in the same square where I had seen the man in the office about half an hour earlier. This time, I entered from a different side. From this new perspective, I discovered something that made my evening walk even better than it had been so far.
Two black, asymmetrical half-pyramids framed the path leading to the square, and as I walked closer, I noticed a sign attached to their sides.
‘Due to maintenance work, our birds are currently taking a short trip to the large aviary.’
Next to it it, there were around 15 additional signs displaying photos and descriptions of the various species of birds that live in these aviaries. Among them were three of my absolute favorite birds: cockatiels, lovebirds, and sun conures.
Ever since I became obsessed with watching videos of cute little parrots on Instagram several years ago, I’ve been hoping to find a place where I can see them in real life. Now, even though they weren’t there that night, I finally discovered such a place. And, it wasn't just any location; it was right in the heart of a scenery that reminded me of my night walks through downtown Toronto.
As I was taking photos and videos of the two black half-pyramids in front of the Motel One Upper West Hotel tower and the unusually brown sky, I noticed the time on my phone: it was 8:23 PM.
Enjoy your day or night!
glg Soda Paapi
PS: After I finished the first draft of what you just read, I dug in the sodapaapi archives and unearthed something I’d like to share with you: Flaneur de las Calles, an ode to wandering aimlessly through the night. I recorded this song seven years ago, shortly before I abandoned my alias Alberto Hawai’i and became sodapaapi.
[media unavailable]
I felt that it was time to leave behind what no longer serves me.
disconnect 009/237
[10 November 2024]
-----------------------
Over the past week, I felt increasingly anxious about my employment situation. I have fallen in love with creating art every day without any restrictions for the past year, but now it has become time for me to find a job so I can financially sustain myself.
The uncertainty of not knowing what would happen next felt like I was constantly carrying a tray stacked high with plates. Moving at a normal pace was impossible because everything could collapse at any moment, and even moving slowly was difficult.
So, I decided to hop on the subway one night and get off at Ku’damm for a walk, with no specific destination in mind. All I wanted was to soak in the nighttime downtown atmosphere, observe anything that crossed my path, and clear my mind of the overwhelming thoughts and feelings I had been experiencing.
After strolling around for a few minutes, I found myself in an almost empty square, surrounded by tall, shiny office buildings. I sat down, enjoyed the tranquility, and looked at the few windows in the buildings that were still illuminated. In one of the windows, I saw a man sitting at his desk in front of his computer, moving his arms occasionally in a way that made me assume he was working on a stressful task.
A few minutes after I began observing him and reflecting on how he might feel as one of the last people still working in the building, he stood up and left the office. He probably felt relieved to finally start his feierabend. Watching him leave reassured me about the decision I made earlier that day regarding my employment situation.
When I decided not to stay in Canada long-term and instead return to Berlin this summer, a key part of my plan was to avoid taking an office job. I didn't want to work in an environment where people are focused on climbing the career ladder, as it would distract me from my goal of pursuing a career as a professional artist.
After spending all of my savings, I recently felt I had to apply for office jobs again for financial reasons, rather than searching for a job in an environment that brings me joy and doesn’t feel like work to me, like a restaurant, even if it pays less.
While financial stability is important, I’ve come to the conclusion that returning to a well-paid office job - which takes away my mental energy from creating art - doesn’t feel right. I named my last album Out Of Office for a reason, and I truly want to avoid doing something simply for the money. Imagining how happy the man must have felt when he left the office reminded me that I should trust myself when deciding not to return to an office job and knowing when it’s time to move on.
After the office worker left and my doubts about accepting financial instability began to fade, I stood up from the bench I had been sitting on. As I walked past the office building where the man was working, I realized it was building number 23. At that moment, any remaining doubts vanished.
I don’t remember exactly when it started, but it was probably around five years ago when I first noticed the number 23 appearing in situations where I had doubts, needed reassurance, or had to make a decision. Since then, there have been numerous occasions when it has confirmed my thoughts, and it has become my lucky number (for example, the building where I had my last studio also had the number 23).
Feeling relieved and certain about what had been causing my stress over the past days, I continued walking past the office buildings. After taking a few turns, I found myself in front of a bright, colorful store that sold candies and drinks from around the world. As I looked at the fridges filled with exotic soft drinks, it reminded me of what almost felt like a previous life I had lived.
Nowadays, most Berlin spätis have a variety of imported soft drinks in their fridges, and I found myself in front of a store that exclusively offered products that took me a remarkable amount of time, luck, and international shipping costs trying to acquire years ago. Given the popularity and demand for exotic drinks and snacks, the original sodapaapi would have fit perfectly into this zeitgeist.
If I had the same mindset about pursuing my artistic career back then, six or seven years ago, where could I be now?
While sipping on an ice-cold 7 Up Tropical, I enjoyed imagining this ‘what if’ scenario where I hadn’t given up rapping and continued with the original sodapaapi persona I had created. However, I am very happy with how things turned out instead.
I recently came across a piece of advice from author Tao Lin that perfectly captures why I am happy to leave not only sodapaapi and drinking multiple soft drinks per day but also the idea of returning to a corporate job behind:
‘Don’t romanticize destructive behavior. Doing this will lead you to engage in more destructive behavior while also attracting destructive readers who will also help keep you stagnant in self-destruction.’
After finishing the 7 Up Tropical, I continued my walk aimlessly and found myself back in the same square where I had seen the man in the office about half an hour earlier. This time, I entered from a different side. From this new perspective, I discovered something that made my evening walk even better than it had been so far.
Two black, asymmetrical half-pyramids framed the path leading to the square, and as I walked closer, I noticed a sign attached to their sides.
‘Due to maintenance work, our birds are currently taking a short trip to the large aviary.’
Next to it it, there were around 15 additional signs displaying photos and descriptions of the various species of birds that live in these aviaries. Among them were three of my absolute favorite birds: cockatiels, lovebirds, and sun conures.
Ever since I became obsessed with watching videos of cute little parrots on Instagram several years ago, I’ve been hoping to find a place where I can see them in real life. Now, even though they weren’t there that night, I finally discovered such a place. And, it wasn't just any location; it was right in the heart of a scenery that reminded me of my night walks through downtown Toronto.
As I was taking photos and videos of the two black half-pyramids in front of the Motel One Upper West Hotel tower and the unusually brown sky, I noticed the time on my phone: it was 8:23 PM.
Enjoy your day or night!
glg Soda Paapi
PS: After I finished the first draft of what you just read, I dug in the sodapaapi archives and unearthed something I’d like to share with you: Flaneur de las Calles, an ode to wandering aimlessly through the night. I recorded this song seven years ago, shortly before I abandoned my alias Alberto Hawai’i and became sodapaapi.
[media unavailable]